Dating in your 30’s is different from dating back in your 20’s or prior. Now that I’ve started my dating journey I’ve decided to share some helpful tips that are making an impact. Here are my best dating tips for a healthy relationship to keep in mind while you navigate this scene as well.
Life has its set of twists and turns. Last year today (and my whole adult years prior to that lol) I wouldn’t have thought I’d be writing about this. But here we are and I’m happy to be learning so much from this season of my life. Before beginning my dating journey I decided to go within and focus on my healing. Through doing inner work with a therapist and life coach, I found myself feeling ready to embark on the dating scene.
One thing I tend to do is learn as much as I can before doing something new. So I listened to a bunch of dating podcasts, watched dating content on YouTube and read books. I will be referring to a fascinating book called, “How to not die alone” by Logan Ury throughout this blog. This book has been the most impactful for me so I had to write about the best dating tips and takeaways so that you can use them if you are also navigating the dating scene at this time.
Recognize your tendency as a dater
One of my first takeaways from the book is to acknowledge your past and then recognize your dating tendency. There are 3 different types to choose from which are the following: romanticizer, maximizer or hesitater. A romanticizer is the type that believes in a fairy tale romance and that their perfect “prince charming” is out there. A maximizer obsesses over making the best possible decision yet they still end up feeling bad about it. Finally, the hesitater delays dating until they feel completely ready. Yet they never feel ready because they always find another reason to delay it. (“I’ll wait until I get promoted/lose weight/etc”).
Figuring out your tendency is helpful because you get to recognize the patterns you’ve fallen prey to in the past. If you’ve been a romanticizer, you now can recognize how unrealistic those expectations are to find a “perfect” person. (No one is perfect, including yourself). If you’re a maximizer you can now use rationalization (convincing yourself) about making the right decision and choosing to be satisfied with it. Finally, if you’re a hesitater, realize that you simply have to start putting yourself out there. No one is ever 100% ready for anything and you are enough as you are right now.
Recognize your attachment style
Another helpful dating tip is to recognize your attachment style. Again, this helps recognize previous patterns that most likely played a role in your unsuccessful relationships from the past.
The 3 types of attachment styles are the following:
- Anxiously attached -you’re afraid of abandonment, tend to act out in order to get attention, feel insecure about your relationship’s future.
- Avoidantly attached -feel uncomfortable with intimacy, avoid getting too close to someone, fear losing your independence.
- Securely attached -you’re reliable and trustworthy, create healthy boundaries, avoid drama and communicate well with your partner.
The author, Logan Ury, stated how about “50% of the population is secure, 20% is anxiously attached and 25% is avoidantly attached, and the remainder fall into a group called anxious-avoidant.” The unfortunate part is that secure people tend to already be in relationships. Therefore, the dating pool can be full of anxious and avoidant people.
Choose a life partner
When feeling ready to begin dating and putting yourself out there, Ury suggests you look for a life partner. She compares this to choosing a “prom date.” Many daters focus on the present moment when looking for a partner. They focus on looks, appearances, fun, common interests, etc. This is the “prom date.” Typically, prom dates lack qualities that create a long term relationship.
Instead, focus on seeking a life partner. Someone who is trustworthy and has similar values to yours. Look for a person who is reliable and who is emotionally stable. If you don’t see yourself growing and making difficult decisions with this person, then keep looking. A life partner will be with you through thick and thin and it is someone you can see yourself creating a future with.
Put yourself out there
When you begin to put yourself out there and begin dating, dating apps are a becoming a common way to do this. Ury warns us on the use of dating apps because they are meant to overwhelm us with too many choices. They also focus on superficial traits making it difficult to find life partner candidates. Finally, Ury mentions how we think we know what we want but she suggests to be more open minded and less judgmental by expanding your dating app settings to see more people. Also, dating fewer people at a time will get your closer to building a connection and relationship with your dating candidates.
Besides dating apps, another one of the dating tips is going out to meet people in real life too. Choose to attend events by yourself based on your interests and how likely you are to interact with other people. For example, going to a book club or volunteer event will be more promising than attending a movie screening. I’ve used Meetup.com to make friends but you can also use it to find events where you can meet potential dating candidates.
Finally, you can also get your friends or family to set you up on dates. Just make sure to actually show up to the date and show your gratitude afterwards even if it isn’t a good match. You can also think back to people you already know from your childhood, college life or previous jobs. Yes, it’s a risk to put yourself out there but you really have nothing to lose.
One of my final dating tips is to be intentional. Having an intention for everything you embark on is important because it will bring you closer to your goal. For instance, if you are looking for a life partner or a committed relationship, personally, I’d suggest you avoid going out for drinks at 9pm as a first date. This can send mixed signals to your date especially if alcohol is involved at that time of the day. Instead, opt for a casual coffee date when meeting for the first time or maybe take a walk in a local park or something similar.
The purpose of dating is to get to know a person and that takes time. Be clear about your intentions with the other person too. Own who you are and what you are looking for. Add those things on your dating profile on the apps too so it’s clear to everyone who sees your profile. The more intentional you are, the smoother this process can be for you. You’ll filter out people who are not the right match quicker.
One final thought I have on these dating tips is to not take things personally. Dating takes courage and it is a process. You’re facing being rejected and doing the rejecting too. Please don’t ghost people after meeting them in person. Simply send them a short message thanking them for their time and letting them know you don’t think it’s a right match. If you get rejected, simply reply with a thank you and good luck. Don’t take things personal because everyone is different and you will not be for everyone. Be confident and unapologetic about who you are and you’ll see you’ll attract people who match that frequency. Good luck and have fun!
If you need help with this, let me know! I’m happy to help you navigate entering or embracing the dating scene and all that comes with it. Let me know your thoughts on this post! Feel free to DM me on Instagram at any time. Also, follow me on Tik Tok! Yes, your girl is on there now. And finally, make sure you sign up for my newsletter so you never miss a blog post or other things I’m up to! Thank you for reading!!
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