When a couple decides to break up, people tend to think of the worst case scenario for the cause of the split. Well, it doesn’t have to play out that way. In this post I’m going to give you tips on how to break up peacefully without drama or conflict.
I’ve decided to write about this topic being that I’ve personally recently experienced this for myself. I want to share with you the process I went through when it came to making the decision to end my long term relationship. Not all break ups are negative or full of drama and mine was proof of that. It is possible to choose to go your separate ways in a respectful and gentle way. We are adults, after all. Read on to learn how to break up peacefully with your partner.
The first tip I want to offer is to remove distractions from the equation. It is so easy to avoid your true feelings by using distractions such as always having friends or family around, being under the influence of alcohol, or staying super busy with work or your children. There’s so many more examples of distractions such as using television as quality time or other activities that don’t require communication between the two of you.
The reason why removing distractions is important is so you get clear about how you feel about your partner. Most importantly, you get clear on how you feel when you’re around your partner. If you find that you or your partner continue avoiding alone time, figure out why. I once had a friend that would always have friends around whenever she’d spend time with her husband. They’d travel often, never alone, always with friends! I found that to be a little weird but didn’t say anything and a few months later they began their process to get divorced. I wasn’t surprised.
So if you realize that you can’t remember the last time you spent quality time with your partner, take the steps to change that. If that feels difficult, ask yourself why. This doesn’t necessarily mean you’re meant to break up with your partner. This step is to give you clarity about your feelings. You might find that you actually enjoy your time with them even more without the distractions so now you’re aware of it!
Listen to your intuition
If there’s any inkling inside you that feels “off” when you’re around your partner, don’t ignore it. Be curious about it and dive deeper with an open mind. Chances are you’ve felt this way for longer than you thought. Your intuition has been getting louder in order to get your attention, possibly. I guess I should explain what I mean by your intuition. It is the sense of knowing inside you that’s constantly communicating with you. The “gut” feeling you get in your stomach that brings awareness to you (a.k.a has you question yourself).
Everyone has an intuition but unfortunately, we aren’t taught to listen to it and instead we learn to quiet it and live out of our logical brain. I’m sure you’ve felt it before…your intuition is a deep visceral feeling. Ignoring it can cause restlessness, poor sleep and feeling uneasy. Only you know how to proceed with your intuition and chances are it will continue getting “louder” until you listen to it.
Communication is THE most important trait in a healthy relationship. I’m sure you’ve heard that before and I wholeheartedly believe it. If you take anything away from this blog post is to please communicate with your partner from the very beginning. Honestly, that’s the “secret” to not only a healthy relationship, but to a peaceful break up as well. It’s never too late to begin communicating openly by the way, so start today. You won’t regret it.
If you find it difficult to openly communicate with your partner, don’t be ashamed of yourself. We’ve all been there. It is a trait that you can learn to overcome and embrace. My ex is the one that taught me to communicate in our relationship so I’ll always be grateful to him for teaching me that. I used to be the passive aggressive one saying everything was fine when it clearly wasn’t.
If you really think about it, if you don’t feel comfortable communicating in an open and honest way with your life partner, there’s a problem there. This is the person you’re choosing to share your life with in some capacity. If you don’t already live with your partner, isn’t that the goal? So if you’re unable to be open and vulnerable with that person, are you fully being true to yourself? Wouldn’t it feel more liberating if you’re able to be your complete self with your life partner? (The answer is yes).
Decide your next step
So now that you removed distractions and are following your intuition, decide how you want to proceed. During this time it’s vital that you share your concerns with your partner (as hard as that may feel or sound to you). By sharing how you feel, you’re allowing them to help you process your feelings and choosing how to proceed as a team. Not to mention you’re preventing blindsiding them if you ultimately decide to break up. (This is key to a peaceful break up-don’t surprise them).
You may find that there’s common feelings or concerns and that you both want to take steps to work things out. Or you may find that you both are leaning towards parting ways.
Some additional tips for this step are the following:
- Don’t do anything drastic. Remain calm and think through your options
- When sharing your concerns with your partner, do it in a gentle way when you both are well rested and calm
- Determine if your concerns are solvable and if you’ll be happy with the outcome
At the end of the day I have to tell you breaking up is not going to be easy. Even if you both agree to it, it’s still a process so keep that in mind when deciding your next step. Don’t choose an outcome for the wrong reasons (such as to avoid pain).
Your relationship is not going to improve on its own without action from the two of you. If you both decided to give it another try, that requires effort from the both of you. If you decide that you want to break up, then take that action too. As I mentioned earlier, it’s going to feel difficult regardless, especially if you still care about the person, so you have to just do it. By prolonging it, you’re not only hurting yourself but you’re hurting them too. You might think you’re doing them a favor by staying with them because you care about them but you’re actually doing the opposite.
By letting them go, you’re giving them the opportunity to find their true love that will be a better fit for them. If you really care about them then it’s best to “rip the bandaid” and have the hard yet honest conversation. If you openly communicated your concerns in the past, they shouldn’t be surprised at this point. Again, choose a time where you both are calm and clear headed and not rushed. Also, please do it in person. You’re adults and your partner deserves to have this conversation in person (unless you’re scared for your safety of course). If you’re afraid of how they’re going to react, let a loved one know and maybe have a friend come over or wait outside while you do it.
When you’re having the final conversation, speak for yourself. I made the mistake of trying to speak for my ex partner. Thinking that I was doing it for them until he politely asked me to be straightforward and speak for myself. In other words, don’t try to make them feel better. Just be honest and straightforward. That’s the best thing you can do.
After the break up
As I mentioned previously, even if you both ended up on the same page and decided to part ways, there’s still a grieving process. Remember that it’s okay to feel your feelings after the break up. This is a transition that will most likely bring out different emotions you didn’t know you had towards the relationship or your ex partner. Allow yourself to process your break up and cry if you need to, be angry, etc but remember that blaming is not going to get you anywhere. Keep in mind that you can’t change the past and it’s best to move on as best you can.
Everything in life is a learning experience, even long term relationships that didn’t end in marriage (if that was the goal). Chances are you are not the same person you were when you started your relationship and that’s a beautiful thing, in my opinion. Even if you feel that the relationship didn’t bring out the best version of you and now you’re healing from it, that’s something to be thankful for because it means you are evolving!
This is all part of the human experience and you can choose to see things in a positive light. Ending a long term relationship should bring you clarity regarding your future relationships. Now you know (even clearer) what you want and don’t want in your future relationship and partner.
One final thing I want to suggest is to please take plenty of time to heal and process the break up, by yourself. A.K.A don’t jump into another relationship immediately just for the sake of not wanting to be alone. Sometimes solitude is exactly what’s needed for growth. Choose to fall in love with yourself before you begin to date again. By taking time to heal and process everything, you’ll decrease your chances of choosing a partner that’s not a good fit. Just a thought!
Anyway, I hope this post landed for you in one way or another. Remember to choose yourself always, because you matter and are worthy and deserving of the best life has to offer. If you want help determining if you want to take this big step and want to hire me as your coach, I’m ready to help you.
Let’s work together
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